I used to write a lot. When I was a kid I would always try diaries and if I wasn’t writing, I was getting lost in movies or music. It’s something that always stuck with me – for a while I was getting into drawing and art and really enjoying that but then I just stopped. I stopped everything. I don’t overly enjoy music, I don’t get lost in movies too often, I don’t draw and I hardly ever write anymore. The worst part is that I don’t know why. It’s like I fall into this void where nothing is all there is. So many times I think about things that are in my brain but then I don’t write it out… I just mull it over in my brain and then I fall into the void of nothing again.
Maybe some of my writing I was getting out in reviews and articles but the magazine has a different editor and it seems that reviews and/or some of the reviewers have fallen to the wayside. But I know I should write. I should write and I should do stuff. I should get out of my own head because it’s not a great place to be.
Friday I was pretty stressed out about the usual life stuff. Money, Bills, adulting, etc. But I decided to take my dog and my neighbors dog to the dog park down the road. An incident happened where I saw a girl with two little dogs getting upset for her dogs who were being harassed by a bigger dog. I totally judged the girl because of what she looked like… because she had two little dogs in the big dog park. Even though I had seen her dog playing with my larger dog for a bit… I just assumed she was the drama. Later, though, the other woman involved and her dog had an altercation with my dog. She had a huge Rottweiler and this dog came up to my dog, which was at least half the size, and grabbed her by the neck and just started shaking. As I yelled out for the dog owner and another person at the park tried to help me get the Rottweiler off of my dog, the lady who owned the dog was just sitting off to the side. She didn’t care that her dog was being aggressive or that her dog attacked mine. Delilah was alright, her ear was cut and I think she was more scared than anything. But what really got me was the lack of caring that this woman had. She did not care that she had an aggressive breed dog. She did not care that her dog was being aggressive. She did not care that her dog had bit my dog and made her bleed. She pretended to “care” enough to give me her name and number, both of which were probably false. Some other kind people had taken her license plate for me though and I reported her to animal control. Animal control didn’t seem to care much – off leash dog park – no information other than a license.
Saturday morning as I’m relaying this information and my general life stress and the realization that I’m almost 35 and I still can’t get my shit together, my moms’ response immediately goes to “You need a man”. Yep… because a man is going to make everything better. So I decided to binge watch 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.
While it was really good- it also really made me think about being empty.
So I started to write last night, particularly when I was watching the episode where the focus was on loneliness. But then I do what I always do and I erased it. I almost erased this one a minute ago.
It’s been an emotional weekend of remembering how focused on unimportant things people are… and how mean people are… and how lonely the world can be sometimes.